Tears rolled down her face as she read her husband's death confirmation letter.
He succeeded protecting everybody else's home at the boundary but hers, she thought.

The look in your eyes, when I bid you goodbye, made me believe you loved me.  Made me believe I wanted you to stay, to kiss you and more.
But I forgot, that was, indeed, a goodbye.

Saying goodbye to a packet of cigarettes was harder than she thought.

We were in his room, sitting on his couch with a map, and drinking mint water. Yes, not coffee or wine, but mint water. I don't even know why.But it didn't matter because we were so lost in the future that we forgot we had a home. He, good at geography; me, good at history. And we feel, these two are bridged. Good to find similarities, isn't it? So I had encircled all the places I ever wanted to go, and I kept screaming and dancing like a little girl, pointing towards each of them and saying,"This is where I want to go and scream like I am a queen who's throwing orders at her army". He, he kept staring. He, he kept smiling. He, he came forward. He, he held my hand. He, he made me spin around. He, he kept his hand on my left breast and said,"This, this is where I want to go".

The Worst Conundrum


In may, my lover did reave, a heart so strong
with words so wrong.
In June, he did heave and leave;
And I retrieve and retrieve.
All I did was miss your tepidity,
And serenity.
Words flowing from my hands hurt,
I asked you pult.
Purging your chantey,
With your melodic hey.
And the readers still confused with my painsworth autobiography,
For paintry poetry.

So, I came across the panty challenge that is currently trending on Instagram and Twitter; I don't even know why.
And all the pictures are of clean unstained panties. When in reality, it's not even remotely close to that. A woman's vagina has the ability to clean itself, which means, there's no need to apply soap or other creams to it. A woman's vagina produces white discharge every single day, which, for your information is a wet, transparent thick substance, which is an indication of a good and healthy vagina.
Now, the ladies who've uploaded pictures of clean (new) panties, need to go to a doctor and go through some tests. If there's no white discharge, your vagina is unhealthy and maybe infected.
And the worst problem is, the expectations of guys from girls have reached heaven. Because of pornography, models, movies, et cetera, they're under an impression, or expect that girls have a nice, pink, clean, vagina without even a single strand of hair. They expect girls to have the "perfect" size of breasts, a flat stomach, with a thigh gap, with a perfect skin tone.
All they need to do is get a reality check, because this is no xxx movie.
We have a healthy body instead of an unhealthy and a "sexy" one.
And girls, please, don't sell your beautiful body for a boy, who's looking for a fantasized body.

"24 years old girl raped by a security guard."
Now I know that life is a balloon filled with ironies.

"Blue ticks do make life easy", you said when I didn't reply for hours to your texts. Maybe, they do. You're just interested in knowing your worth. Whether you're important enough to receive a reply in a few seconds or not. You used to be, notice the tense, if you may. But little do you know about my privacy. I like it that way, and would love to keep it to myself, especially when I know that there was no privacy about you and me, as you opened your mouth in from of everyone about the way I cried when you first left, when I first kissed you when in reality, it was you who forced it on me. So, I have always been a private girl with boundaries, and you've always liked hitting sixes. And yes, blue ticks do make life easy, but why should I make it easy for a player who made it so hard for me to complete my target?

Taxi cabs, bright city lights, busy streets, moving people. In a city full of houses, she finally found a home.
                                                          #shefoundherself

In my dream of yours, I was the one who left you, and started a refreshing life with somebody new.
                                       


                                                 #butitwasjustadream

"I LOVE YOU"

My head was resting on your right shoulder and you were playing with my hair, as we watched a movie together on a snowy day. I could smell your cologne on me already. I still can. We were so busy talking and making fun of each other, that the movie was just a disturbance to fill the void. All I knew was It was a romantic movie with a lot of kissing scenes. In the middle of th conversation I paused, and said,"You know, I have never been kissed. Have you ever kissed? Kissed someone you loved?" "I have kissed, but not the girl I loved", you said. It was quite disappointing. "Never kiss me if you don't love me, please", I said just to break the silence. I swear, I felt like a girl with really old school thoughts even though I meant every word I had said. But it was an awkward moment for me with my thoughts running a million miles per hour. But You made me turn to your side, looked me in the eyes, touched my hair, and kissed me as passionately as ever and whispered, "I will never".

                                          EMPTY

Had to sweep glitter away from my room today. Felt clean. 

Loving you and leaving you was no love gain or no love loss, because it wasn't love at all.

 Oh lord, took his life, just like the pace at which the clouds above us move.
His words, a halo, which embraces my heart and soul.
His thoughts, as smooth as a mothers touch.
Oh, I wish he was alive.
To see the beauty which has turned upside down. To see the humanity which itself is seeking for humanity.
To see beauty finding itself in surgical procedures.
Oh, I wish he was here to describe all the little things that are going unnoticed.
To see, how a child leaves nothing but a bad impression.
To see, the painters which are painting this word black.
And how his words are being copied and taken credit for by people who want to outshine.
Now, I just wonder what he would've done  if he was alive.

"Shouldn't you be like the sun?", he asked her whilst looking at the night sky.
"Why? As in?", she replied.
"You're like the moon. You keep changing over time, and the worst part is, your light depends on the sun", he said even when he knew who "sun" was.

Dear friend, my other friends think that I have finally, and thankfully fallen for somebody else. That somebody being you. They can "sense" love. I cannot, can you? Sure, we exchange those three words quite often and we mean it everytime, but there are different types of love, no? But, my friend, I'm scared because my past left me with an allergy to love. You're an amazing human being, and I do not want things to not to work out. But my stupid, crazy friends think the otherwise, and are quoting stuff like, "Rainbows after a rainy day", "Things happen for a reason". Maybe, maybe not. What's even scarier is that, I haven't written angry poems about my ex lover in a week, because I don't get that angry feeling anymore. Is it good? Or is it a signal or something? I hope my friends are wrong. And maybe, the day I'll start writing about you, will be the day I'll know that I'm in love.

You tell me you only want to be friends with benefits and nothing else. I tell you I'm fine with it, because, well, you're all I want. But in the back of my mind, I'm  cursing myself for doing such a sluttish thing. You tell me you don't want any strings attached, and I want the otherwise. For you, love is like a bookmark feeling. For me, it's like diamond. You are a traveller, and I am a stayer. And for the first time, I'm letting someone go, because you have you plane to catch and I have a home to reach.

Her:One last kiss and you have to catch your flight which is about to tear my wings. I am not afraid to cry, as I am not afraid to show my love. I tell you I love the grey t-shirt you're wearing because you look absolutely sexy in that and how I am jealous of the fabric that is kissing your abs, because I want to be the one doing that. You laugh and kiss me on my forehead and say that I'd have to wait for a year or so. It makes me feel insecure, but I hide it in your arms. I hear the final announcement , and I imagine myself sitting on your couch after an hour, crying and I hear you on the doorstep. I am surprised and like the way Rachel Green says, "I got off the plane", you say the exact same thing and we spend the next hour making out. But I am hit hard with reality, and I realise it's no movie. I cry. You kiss me for the final time. And you leave. And maybe, just maybe, you take you take your love with you as well. Because now, you're long gone and I am long lost.

Him: That's when I remove my T-shirt and hand it over to you. I kiss your picture in my wallet which makes you smile, the smile which says,"doesn't matter if you're a mile away or half way down the earth, you'll always be mine, and we'll always be together".
Her: But I still don't want to let you go. I want to be there with you, because I know, I so bloody know that there are prettier and thinner girls on this planet, and you'll be meeting a lot of them.
Him: But I want you to know, those girls are pretty but they're not you. I want you to know that those girls are thinner but they can never ever give me the comfort I get in YOUR arms. They're close to me, not my heart.
Her: I've always heard that long distance relationships were hard. Now I know why. I cannot imagine you falling for somebody new. Because I've always been replaced, but I do not want to lose you. Ever.
Him: Trust me.
Her: But will be able to stay without my hugs, my snogs, my kisses? Will you not want that? Because I cannot stay alone. You'll always be in my heavy heart. But, I don't know. Will you be gone for ever? Or will I be lost for ever?
Him: I surely would. But the wait to meet you would increase my love for you. I'd want you more than ever.
Her: I already miss you. How am I going to survive the next 672 days without you?
Him: It took me years to find home, do you think I'd let it slip away so easily?
Her: But you will not be able to sense a natural calamity on it's way, will you?
They come uninvited, and destroy every single thing. I don't want "her" to come between any of it.
Him: She will not. My body is here. My soul, with you. My heart, with you.
Her: I know I am acting really weird. But you have to understand. I love you. I have always. I don't want you to go. Future is not in my hands, my love. It's in nobody's hands.
Him: I'm not talking about future. I'm talking about the flight ticket I bought for you. I'm talking about the house keys in your new purse. House, our house. I'm talking about your heart, you love, which wouldn't let me go anywhere, alone.
Her: **I hide my face in your chest and cry and hug you for a very long time** **everybody starts noticing and clapping**
Him: I'm talking about the ring tied in your hair ties. And now, I'm talking about the future, our future. Will you marry me, my love?
Her: **I stare at you for a very long time, whilst you pull out the ring from my hair** **I still cannot accept it to be reality** **that's when I feel your lips on my hand and I'm hit hard with reality, yet again. But this time, the perfect one**
YES! YES! YES!
Him: **I hug you just after your yes**
**I try to control my tears from kissing my beard** That's when I hear you whisper,"those are the tears of joy, love"
**I press you harder against my chest to make you realise that I'm never gonna let you go, never, ever.

"Tell me a lie that will make me want to stay", she said.
He hesitantly said,"I hate you".
Somewhere between the game of truth and lies, they found love.

You're scared of commitment, I'm scared of the otherwise. You're an Italian food lover, whereas I love indian food. You like reading books by writers with names I can't even pronounce. I like to write, about you. You're not a family guy, and I would do anything just to make my or your family happy. I like 'sleeping whlist watching Ryan Gosling movies' Saturday nights and you love 'let's have each other for dinner' Saturday nights. I love 'lets stay lazy and cuddle all day' Sunday mornings and you love 'Let's go to the gym and work-out' Sunday mornings. I am into pop and EDM,whereas you're into 80s heavy metal. I thought opposites were supposed to attract. But I think we should stop pretending like we really love each other.

Tonight, we both decided to do something we've never been fond of-drinking. We both are sitting in a dim bar, drinking everything that our bodies can consume. I like the place. The lights are dum. The bartenders are sexy. Peope are drunk and acting or being themselves. I see three couples making out as if they're on their honeymoon, I bet they won't even remember a single thing in the morning. We decide not to talk about our ex lovers because it's"get to know more about you" time, and not "get to know more about our ex lovers" time. They're playing songs by The Cranberries in the background, as a symbol of respect, we sing along. I love this life. It's simple and like living a life of amnesia. I want to drink more because I once read in a biology textbook that drunk people seem to speak the truth. As soon as I am hit with this thought, you touch my hair whilst smiling like a nine year old in the screen of my eyes and say, "I really like you". I take a bottle of vodka, caress my lips to the opening of the bottle, empty it, look at you in the eyes and say, "Me too".

We're in your room, bored and alone. Clueless of what to do next. Eat? Dance? Sing? Paint? Clueless. But you being so smart, come up with an idea. You get up, go near  our drawers, take out your earphones and come sit right in front of me. We share the earphones, of course. Rather we share music. I think you'd play some romantic song just to impress me, but no. You play my favourite EDM song and I smile like a girl in a tootpaste advertisement. We start singing the lyrics loudly and try to scream and shout the lyrics at each other. And then just raise our hands up in the air as if trying to touch the sky, to feel  the love in the air. I absolutely love such things. The song sounds as melodic as ever for the very first time. So yeah, even the music feels better with you. And you have no idea as to how it makes me feel. So towards the end of the song I close my eyes and raise my hands and move my body because I love to feel the way my heart and music work together. When I open my eyes, you look at me in the eyes and come closer and closer. My heart starts skipping beats, my hand starts sweating, I start swallowing, butterflies start coming our of their cocoons. Annnnddd you close your eyes and touch my lips with your lips and I forget everything. The excitement, the nervousness, the insecurities and I kiss you. I finally kiss you the fuck back.

Colours.

"When I'm close to you,we blend into my favourite colour."
It's true. We're two different colours,and when we're together alone we blend into a new, bonny and a different colour altogether. I'm red, the colour of love. You're white, the colour of peace. And together, we form pink which symbolizes youth, tenderness and innocence.  That's the beauty of us. You make me light. You make me shine. You make me beautiful. You make me happy and innocent. You're the reason. You are home to me.
                                                 

             -

 You still ask me as to why I write about the two images you sent me of that ugly girl with a "I think I love her." message that followed. I didn't  know how to answer when you first asked me that.   I didn't know why I still write about a girl who doesn't make any difference. But now, I do. I really do. You loving me, getting over me, and FALLING FOR SOMEBODY NEW, it's still not believable. I used to think I was different. Because you told me everything about you. How you and your dad used to fight. How you used to lie to your mother about your girlfriends. How you used to wake your brother in the middle of the night just to trouble him. I really thought I was different. I thought you changed because of me. We could last forever is what I used to think everyday. But who wants an ever and after if it isn't forever at all? You made me feel special, and I felt it. But I guess, you used to make each and every girl you liked feel special. It's just sad to be one of them, you know. My EGO is hurt. And it's hurt bad. The fact that you came back to the city just to surprise her eats me completely with jealousy, because you never even came to meet me even when I lived three stations away. The fact that you gave "I really want you to touch my lips with yours" look to each other makes me want to remove those fucking eyeballs of yours, because once, they used to give me the same look. I want to bathe myself in her bottle of perfume if it gets you to hug me. I want to kiss her lips, because I know, I so bloody know that I would be able to taste you still. I want to hold her hand, because I'll feel the vibes she felt when you almost raped her hand by holding it tight. I wanna have her ears, because I would be able to hear you whisper naughty things into them. Still. And I know, I fucking know that you broke up seven months ago, and I know you're over her, but I am not. Because she had the freaking power to replace me. She had the power to break the house I built inisde your house. I couldn't even second her. It makes me turn greener than an evergreen tree. I know you don't love her anymore, but I still feel the jealousy. And maybe, getting over you was easy. But I'm still learning to get over her.

TWO PIECES

Is it just me or even you feel that there's something special between us still? Or is it just me thinking of myself to be different and special? I don't really know. Because you stopped talking to all your ex girlfriends but me. Everytime you run into any of your ex girlfriends, it's awkward. But when that happens to us, you cannot stop talking. Everytime you call your ex, just to be kind, you run out of topics. But with me, you run out of time. Then how am I supposed to think that what we have is not special? Or I am not special? Maybe, if you came later in my life, we would've been two pieces of a broken heart. But right now, we're just two lonely children trying to find home.

Hey! I'll try and act normal, even when I am not. Because I just created a new blog! I know it's not a big deal, as anybody can make one nowadays. But this means music to me.
I decided not to be formal with you guys, because why not.

Here's a bit about myself. I am Rujal G, a sixteen years young girl from the world of words, who's trying to find her home. Hence, I espoused to write. Something about the title. It's lucid, I know. But, I feel that I write because it makes me happy, and because my family and friends always support and encourage me to write. Besides, many people can connect to my words. Every time I give my diary to someone, I see the smile on their faces. Call me selfish, but it makes me feel good because I know that somewhere in between two lines, they could connect themselves. That's what I want to do. Make people smile. Make them realise that "this world is not a wish granting factory". It's more like living to complete a wish. More like a journey. A journey everyone should continue till the end instead of giving up.

Why I chose this date? I believe that dates are important. I wanted to make this blog on the 25th of December, but it's 239 days away, and I didn't want to wait for that long. I wanted to make it on my birthday, but too many awesome things in a day. Bleh.
Well. It's my mom's birthday. She's special to me. And so is this blog. A=B and B=C therefore A=C
I'm bad at cracking jokes or making references, I know.


Sooooo, I hope you enjoy this little diary of mine. :*

And let's just hope that I won't regret about this post years later when I read it to my husband.